February 11, 2018
I missed posting yesterday so today’s post and the date are no longer in synch. Also, I’ll have to catch up tomorrow and post twice so I can stay within the 28 posts in 28 days goal that made.
Yesterday I spent the first part of the day in a very depressed state of mind. In five days it’ll be my son’s 25th Birthday. It’ll be the first one that I will not get to celebrate with him in person. No one will. My son, Michael, died last year. April 22, 2017, 3:06 pm to be exact. When I realized that his birthday was right around the corner it hit me, hard. I found myself grieving as if he had just died. I felt a little better when I let out the tears, sadness, anger, and pain. I hadn’t realized that I was holding in my grief, a lot if not most of, my grief. I felt raw, exposed, and drained. Somehow though I managed to get up from the floor and go out to grocery shop for my mom.
I then spent the next part of my day in an almost mindless state going through the grocery store aisles checking off items on my mom’s list. I don’t remember all of the drive time to mom’s apartment. Sort of operated on auto-pilot until I parked in the lot.
Then I exited my car and loaded the groceries into the little cart and wheeled them up to her apartment.
I went into her place, put the food away, and set out food for dinner. I sat down and ate dinner with my mom and I felt a little bit of the weight lift off of me. I smiled as we talked about her week and what she has plans to do next week. I smiled more as our conversation turned to remembering my son, her grandson, with laughter. There were also tears. It felt good though to share those memories with her. It felt good to share with someone who knew him and loved him.
After dinner was done and the table cleared we talked for a little while longer. Mom always dislikes it when I leave, she says “You fill my apartment with light and life when you are here and I miss you when you are gone.” I sighed and said that I understood that feeling all too well. We hugged and I left.
I felt better having shared memories with her. I now realize I need to share more memories of my son. It helps in a way I didn’t know that it could.
Just like writing this post helped a little bit too.
Thank you for reading and I hope you have a great night.