Jumping into the deep end………

That is what it feels like to me when I think about finishing the books and going for the whole published book thing.  It’s as if I have decided to jump into the deep end of the pool (which is somewhere around 300 ft deep), in complete darkness. It’s not the fact that I don’t know a lot about the publishing world that scares, no it’s more the fact that I want to put myself out there in the world for all to see. That scares the – everything – out  of me.

You see for me success is actually my biggest fear. Crazy huh? But it is the truth, the whole and nothing but the unfiltered, unedited truth. Failure has always been easy, or for that matter just not doing/finishing anything at all is even easier.

But now I want to do something, finish something, be someone that I admire. And the fear is creating a bit of anxiety in my soul. But this time instead of just getting stuck and staying stuck up in that there fear, I am using it to write.

Using my fear energy to write with is new to me. I always thought that in order to be able to write I had to be either happy or angry, no in between gray area to work from. And granted it has worked in the past. But now as I step out of my past and look into the future I need someplace new from which to write. And fear of success is that place.

I figure that as long as I have the pent up energy why not let it work for me in a positive way. That is not say that I will always write from a place of fear. Who knows next week, next month or next year I may have discovered a different place to write.

For now I am using my fear instead of it using me.